You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
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I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Thursday
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I need a headline like this
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
starting a garage orchestra
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I have a black belt in leather
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.