Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
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Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Pringles
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.