Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
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“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Not today. 😅
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.