Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: βCan you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?β I had to hand it to him, I didnβt think of that ππππ
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none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I donβt drink and drive because I canβt ever find my car keys when Iβm sober.
Signatures are so unserious, just βpinky promiseβ for adultsβ¦ write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
shampoo implies shampee
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.