Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
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In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Tony Hawk, age 6
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My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it