me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
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Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
A roof is a house hat.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
#NeverForget
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.