The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.