Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
*exercises sarcastically*
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.