I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
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robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
#catsoftwitter
I did not eat the cake…
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.