robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
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I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.