Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
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Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
LOOOOOOL
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Fluff me with a fork baby
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.