I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him