Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
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[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
“That’s what” – She
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat