Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
barbara was highly relatable
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.