I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
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I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs