1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
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when u come home smelling like another dog
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.