My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
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I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
how to market bottled water to dads
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Proofread twice, hang posters once