ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
You Might Also Like
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
*limbos under the caution tape
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it