When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
You Might Also Like
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My plans: 2020:
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.