My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
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A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.