“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
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The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…