Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
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A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same