Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
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Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Happy Febuary everyone!
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..