Happy Febuary everyone!
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Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Can Happiness buy money?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..