If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?