*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
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I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”