4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
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The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
dam girl
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch