The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
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Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac