ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
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Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.