@neiltyson

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

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@AJDiCosimo

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

@unbub_

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

@Mehrwane

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

@Parkerlawyer

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

@dhumann

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

@E_lok44

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.