@obviousplant_ Added some new forms of payment to this store…
@neiltyson What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
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@obviousplant_ 
@TrueTorontoGirl Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
@AJDiCosimo Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
@unbub_ Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
@adamgreattweet my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
@OhNoSheTwitnt Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
@Mehrwane Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
@Parkerlawyer My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
@dhumann Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
@E_lok44 Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.