What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
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Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
[eulogy]
line?
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
💁🏻♂️
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.