Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
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This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I think the cat got the dog high.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones