My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
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A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.