met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”![]()
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
![]()
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My birthstone is a marshmallow
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*