[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
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Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake