Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
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WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Florida be like…
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Huge, if true.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.