Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
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[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
This checks out
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My neck, my back, my…
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.