I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
You Might Also Like
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.