How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
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having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
let’s discuss
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.