[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
You Might Also Like
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Rambo Rambow
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that