I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
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Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Dear Lord..
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.