Dear Lord..
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Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]