Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
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someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I occasionally drink every single night.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
never forget