Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
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interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
rapatouille
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.