I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
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Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.