I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
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Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed