[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”