Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
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Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.