The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
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My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
The pen is writier than the sword.