the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
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banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Hero horse inspires millions
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird