Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
So that’s what we looked like?
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”